My week as a hermit

So today is the first day I have come close to feeling human again. I mean my head doesn't feel like it's on the verge of exploding, the thought of eating is actually appealing, and I manage to get to the office and put in four hours of paper work time to catch up on signing off on notes. Our team employment support specialist came in, saw me, spoke a little bit and I could tell she was thinking "I better not get mono woman." My boss came in, seemed utterly amazed to see me alive and breathing. His main comment was "I hope I don't have mono, that would suck." Or something along those lines. Yes, it does suck. Other than that,I am faced with the likelihood of having little to no pay check coming unless someone finds it within their heart to donate a few of their vacation days to me so I can foot next months bills. I don't' expect it and don't foresee it happening anytime soon. I will be exceptionally surprised if someone does help me out. I just pray I can make it out of bed tomorrow and get back to work without too much trouble. In the meantime, I think today being the first time out of the house in a week was a bit of a milestone and hope the energy is available to do it again tomorrow. Wish me luck!

T-

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

I have Mono :((

So all weekend at the Spring Event I felt like crap. I felt even crappier come Monday morning. I call my doc and see if I can get in, figuring it's the old stand by of strep or tonsil idis, something that plagued my childhood. I get there, go through the usual triage of questions and symptoms. I'm insisting it's strep or tonsil idis, been there, done that, feels about the same. Nope, doc says, just in case, you should go to the lab and get "harpooned" for some blood to test and rule out Mono. It's not Mono, it can't be mono. It was mono. I'm DOOOOOMED! SO I've spent the last week of work off feeling like total shite, sleeping, sipping warm tea, soup, and sleeping. Typhoid Molly at your service. Bleh. I've lost nearly a week's worth of pay over this jazz and there's not a thing I can do about it except let the Mono run its course since it's viral and no antibiotics will help. Throw in the swollen throat from hell and ear pain, I'm on the verge of delirium and madness. Rob has been a champ for me, went and got groceries for me and some ciggies. I haven't really left the house since Monday and talk about stir craziness. One perk of the whole week, found someone to talk to that I've had a mild crushy interest in for a while. It's so puppy doggy that I think it'll wind up being nothing more than me blushing the next time I step foot in the coffee shop with or without a client. Seems like a nice guy, seems really good with people from what I have observed, good looking, has this irresistible bad-boy aura going on like he's been around the world a few times, runs this cool eclectic looking local coffee shop that I like to frequent because they've got some awesome coffee, tea, and bluesy ambiance you just can't beat. I'd kill for a home delivery right about now. He's all that and likely unavailable and that would be yet another one of life's cruel zingers bestowed upon me as of late. Either way, something to excite the imagination and create wistful thoughts about for a few days. Soooooooooo other than talking to the crush, this week has been a bust and I'm ready to begin feeling human again any day now. Otherwise, I'm feeling pretty lame this week. So here's to hoping the one conversation with the Java Guy doesn't turn into nothing more than small talk and a few painfully awkward moments the next time I step foot into his coffee shop. OY! What was I thinking? Must've been the fever talking. LOL Mweh. Back to bed here.

Tammolly

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

Gulf Wars -Revisited

As I said before, not too much to report. The trip down was hellish due to a demonic and maniacally possessed trailer that tried to deliver us all to Hades every so often. Therefore, we had to drive extra slow down there, have cranky people getting on each other's nerves, snarkiness, and just plain tired! Then we left a day earlier than planned, not sure of how the trailer would behave being packed differently, so we left site like 6 or 7 Saturday night and got home Sunday around 5-ish. UGH! Then I got to drive a round trip from Jolly Ol' Lafayette, Indiana up to Chicago and drop off two friends and turn straight around to go home. Only to find that no one bothered to put away unloaded trailer goodies, so I had to do that myself. The upside to this whole trip was meeting a real sweetie while at War. Now, we talk 2-5 hours a day on the cellies and it's all good and fun. Recently, he's thought of moving up to Indiana since he lives in Florida. RED LIGHT! RED LIGHT! Yes, Gulf Wars was fun, it was great to have someone fun to hang out with all week long. It was WAR and WAR does not translate to REAL WORLD, and I'm not so sure I want him to move here on the chance it might not work out very well and then I'm the one feeling like an ass because he moved up here just for me and it didn't work. I don't want to break the poor boy's heart that way. I hear from SCA veterans that people behave quite differently outside of War and that makes me take pause with extreme caution. I like him a lot, but right now, too much to deal with on the home front with a divorce looming on my horizon. Hubs dumped that one on me the day after I got back from Gulf Wars. How nice! I can't say that I didn't want it to happen, feeling there are better things out there for the both of us, just not us together anymore. It seems to be working out so far. I have the apartment up front and he's moving into my old place in the back and that's a friggen weird-arse situation, but we talk like old friends and it's working so far. No complaints there. In the meantime, Florida guy is willing to let me sort things out with that special friend who has a decision making impairment. I essentially gave him his movies back and a CD I had made with a note inside. I anticipate that either he will act in some stereotypical male fashion and toss it aside and not look at for a few weeks. Or it will lay around until the girlfriend finds it and GOES OFF like a BANSHEE! Either way, it sums up to this, being friends is fine, being more than friend is even finer, but whatever he's going to do, he needs to just DO IT! No more hot and cold - I JUST CANNOT TAKE THAT SCENARIO ANYMORE! ARRG! Oh well, end rant here. I have to get ready for the barony spring event and that involves a laundry mat and serious motivation to get it done tonight because I go on call again in the morning at 8 AM and need to get it done before then. YAY-Rah.

Tammolly

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

Turning Point? Or Merely Yet Another Beginning?

So yeah, that special friend from last night calls me to say he's bailing out on the movie invite due to thinking about it while not having an alcohol induced lapse of reason. I shoulda said take the early movie! He would have had less time to think about it. GAH! Anyhoo, feeling a bit on the disappointed side. Again with the frustration and confusion! OY! I'm attempting to look at the bright side, if there is indeed one to be found. So crisis averted, no awkward "Gee-Whiz, last night got a little on the border line of reason." Well sorta, I was just getting out of the shower when he called and I could hear the gears grinding in his head when I told him this, possibly smell the smoke from the other side of town? Asking me something along the lines of, "Would you be upset if I canceled tonight?" Of course I'm gonna feel upset! And of course I understand the reasoning behind said bailing out on me. It doesn't mean I have to like it, but such is life. So back to the averted crisis. No hanky panky to worry about or anticipate, at least tonight. I have to wonder if he realizes what he does to me every time I see him! Canceling would seem to be the least of my problems, that Norah Jones CD is gonna get a work out for a few days. It's amazing how with just being in the room with him and I can feel the pull of some neurotic attraction going on. Am I crazy? Sometimes I feel like I am where he is concerned. Again, I'll attempt to give him some space, but I'm debating right now: To Call or Not To Call, that is the question. Most likely I will not call, feeling chickeny about it and well, again, he's one struggling man. ARRRG! I feel like a bundle of nerves and very aware of my anxious energy that has nearly launched me out the front door to drive across town. GAH! I don't want to do this again, go through those long periods of time where we don't talk because something else happened between us. Yet I want to be selfish and keep him for myself. What kind of person does that make me? The person who broke up a good relationship? A relationship I don't know much about other than what others have said. He's happy. Right? That's reason why he bailed right? He doesn't want to be around me because I make him feel just as crazy. No simple solution to it really. Wuaaaaaaaaaah! Off to go watch chic flicks and possibly just go to bed and get some sleep with intermittent waking up and wishing for something other than a teddy bear and two teenage cats to cuddling with.

Tammolly

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

State of mind

So last night, that certain special someone who inspired a few poems has quietly crept back into my life again. Months of feeling confused and lost and believing I had totally lost a friend came back to me. Dinner and a few beers later, we're talking, discussing the last agonizing months of awkward phone contacts and chance meetings within fighter practice and such. Hearing rumors of him moving away and EGADS!!! Leaving the barony. Knowing that he's happy with someone else didn't make things any easier on me. So I pined and listened to Norah Jones for weeks and now have that same CD playing. Still sorting things out, because whenever I am around this sweetness that he is, I feel like shouting a professed attraction that's been there since I can remember. It's a terminal attraction. One BIG lustful terminal attraction. Grrrr.... I don't know how much more I can take before I tie him to a tree. As adorable as he is, sweet and adorable, he is a good man and I cannot fault him for trying to be strong and do the right thing by his girlfriend. But damnitall! Day late and a dollar short and frustrated now. I feel taken and taken aback by how much confusion and pain to sort through all of this was and then last night, come to a meaningful discussion over what happened and what went wrong and why it went the way it did, it seems all for naught if it would occur again and wind up where I was months ago. And he kisses me, sending me right up to the edge of reason and I REALLY wanted to jump him in the parking lot for that one. Torture! It was torture for us both I am sure. Temptation is a terrible thing not to follow through on sometimes, alas, I don't think I could handle a repeat of last year again. To be mine is one thing, to be someone else's is another. I cannot rightfully say I want to break up his happy place, but still, I desire that neurotic couple of weeks of temporary bliss that was and may never be again without destroying him. Mweh.... Sooooooooooo, I needed to vent and I'm done for now. Hangover has not subsided and I need to unpack my stuff. Too much to do! ARRG!

Tammolly

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin